I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
