When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
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