you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
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ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
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HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
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