1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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