My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Randomize
