I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
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