my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
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