what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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