I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
