Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Randomize
