I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
