You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
