i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I totally got off with my controler for my ps3. Soooo glad I ended up with that racing game for Christmas.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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