it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.