the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
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You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
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well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here