On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
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