I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
That was before I lit my hair on fire
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
