Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
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And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
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Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
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