i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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