I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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