the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Randomize
