I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
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