just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
