In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
