Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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