he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
My liver just had a heart attack.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
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