insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
