fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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