Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City