6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Randomize
