Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
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