My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I need to align my fucking chakras
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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