do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I just want nice things and good sex
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
