Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
29 People Confess The Worst Example Of Dirty Talk They’ve Ever Heard
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
21 Women Compare Anal and Vaginal Sex
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Everyone says I win the strip club
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.