I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Randomize
