There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
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