Whod you bang
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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