Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
