the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
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