he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
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