I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Maybe he injected his testicle?
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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