I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
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