I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
