I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Randomize
