I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
