and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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