You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
what's the vibe there?
extraordinary amounts of gine
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Randomize
