So drunk, too bad you don't want this
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
the day after is always just damage control
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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