I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
