Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
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