my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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