found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I want her autograph on my taint
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
