That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
