he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
