Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
