I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
