I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Randomize
