I will die if light touches me.
you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
